Practical advice for maintaining positive relationships on the job
"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."
—Lucille Ball
"Have more fear of regret than failure."
—Thibaut
"Fear is temporary. Regret is forever."
—Dan Skinner
"Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind."
—C. S. Lewis
"Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you will ever regret."
—Ambrose Bierce
There is one fact on Earth—no one is flawless. People make mistakes, and sometimes they’re the type that “stay with you.” I’ve certainly made my share. Such errors result in a familiar process that includes a pleading of innocence, an attempt at sharing the guilt, and above all, a complete denial of blame once one’s position is clarified.
I’ve found, however, that the best response is a regrettable, fully humble admission of guilt along with a heartfelt apology. Even still, there are some things one can’t erase. It has been said that a person can’t unring the bell. The following are a few of my biggest hits:
- I slammed the door on my eldest son’s finger as he attempted to get out of the car after I buckled him in. He grabbed the doorframe to pull himself up, but I had already turned around, and the door was in motion. (See? I’m still making excuses.) He lost the top digit of his little finger.
- I missed the highway off-ramp to a very important wedding ceremony (where I had been asked to serve as the minister). The couple wound up saying their vows without me as they were losing daylight on the beach, but I arrived in time to sign the license. In other words, I ruined a bride’s wedding day.
- I mentioned my misgivings about a fellow employee, and the management team secretly met and evidently agreed with me. They fired the man the next day. I didn’t mean for it to go that far. However, my discussion was so passionate that it motivated a drastic reaction.
Those are all very personal examples of moments I regret. I deal with the fallout of those moments somewhere in my head every day. But in the workforce, regrettable decisions can haunt an entire career if one isn’t careful. The following are some of the behaviors that professionals must look out for in others, and also within themselves. It may be a matter of survival in the workplace.
1. Never speak when nodding will do, or write when speaking is more appropriate (be careful about committing oneself or being the one to whom things can be attributed). It’s amazing how often one may be falsely quoted or referenced. When this happens, gone is the ability to say, “I never said that,” especially if it’s in writing or on tape/video. Simply put, this is a matter of “having your own back.”
2. Control the emotion when speaking about anything in the workplace, be it a person or a policy. Passion can sway decisions—without the speaker knowing how influential he or she has been.
3. Sarcasm and teasing are risky. It’s easy to assume a work associate can take a jab or two because a relationship seems to be on good terms, but some people are more sensitive than their peers think. Try avoiding this mistake by never assuming everyone understands what was meant.
4. Take the low road, meaning humility at all times. If asked to attend a work-related banquet or event, choose a seat at a table that is far from the lead tables. If one’s presence is required there, the powers-that-be will make the call. Better to be summoned than to be asked to leave the higher-ranked table for a distant one.
5. Always speak and act at work as if a video team is recording every moment. A smile, a nod, even an innocent-seeming blink of an eye can later be interpreted as, “I talked with him earlier and he agreed with me.” One must never fully “relax” and let his or her guard down—the workplace isn’t home.
6. If one overhears something that should have been kept confidential, don’t say a word. Especially if it is something that concerns the eavesdropper. Don’t make the mistake of going to the source and trying to clarify it because, even if one is betrayed, the offending party will deny it when confronted. It’s also important to remember that, even if there’s a really juicy piece of news that seems worth repeating, being tagged as the source will blow up in one’s face. He or she will be blamed for creating the gossip if not indulging in it erroneously.
7. Never attempt to discuss with a member of a team one’s misgivings about another member of the same team. For example, the directors are all loyal to each other, and should an employee confide in one director about his or her doubts about another, the “trusted” director will tell the other director (and likely the rest of the leadership team), hanging the employee out to dry. Those loyalties are set in stone. Don’t be foolish enough to think the same alliances extend to subordinates.
Proof Of Concept
One of my college internships was with a fellow whom I can honestly say never violated anyone’s trust. Others even said they had never heard him say a bad word about anyone. I kept track of his career and watched him sail through three different administrations, earning promotion after promotion. The rules I cited above were largely from his suggestions forty-some years ago. The approach is simple and will always apply because it’s based on honesty and careful decision-making.
As proof of how right he was, I offer this story. I was close to retirement. I pulled into a gas station to fill my tank. As I stood at the pump, I saw the very fellow I’d complained about to management (whom they’d fired the next day). Still feeling the regret of that decades-old mistake, I walked up to him with my hand extended. “Hey, buddy, I owe you a long-overdue apology. I had spoken to management the day before they let you go, and evidently my words were a little too strong. I’m sorry, man. It has haunted me for years.”
He paused and squinted into the sun. “Ron, I appreciate you coming forward, but you need to know I was already on probation for mistakes before you got there. When they let me go, I did some real soul-searching, went back to school, and became a teacher—a job I was meant to do and cherished my whole life. So, if anything, I owe you my thanks.”
I stood there frozen as he drove away. My one regret? Not talking to him 30 years sooner!
